Ask Uncle Howl

A Bigfoot recently submitted question: Our friend Geruf Krumpt writes: Dear Uncle Howl, a few friends and I were flinging pooh the other day in a harmless way. Today I can’t get the pooh off. Tell me do you have a problem with pooh sticking to your fur? ~Geruf Krumpt~
My Dear Friend Mr. Krumpt,

You must as be dumb as a three toed sloth or just a young Bigfoot. All the bigfoots I know aren’t dumb by any standards so I’m going to assume you are young and full of testosterone.

For one thing you should leave the pooh flinging to the Militia. They are extremely well trained and experienced in pooh flinging. The Flying Monkeys of Java are to be commended for providing the militia with their expertise and training. Pooh Flinging is extremely dangerous in the hands of a young and untrained Hominoid. So from now on I advise avoiding it at all costs. Instead you may want to substitute mud for pooh.

Ok, so to answer your question, yes pooh sticks you all hominoids fur if not handled correctly. Thats where you goofed. You waited to long and let it dry on your fur. Now I don’t have to tell you it’s like dried clay. Its worse than that. Its your own Bigfoot pooh! There’s only one way to get it off in the winter months.

Find yourself a rather large pine tree and dig down deep into the soil that isn’t frozen. This is where the pine sap goes during the winter time. Pine sap has turpentine in it. Once you’ve dug down deep into the unfrozen root system of the pine tree, find a big fat root and separate it from the tree. This won’t hurt the tree alot but be kind to it anyway and fill the hole back it so you don’t freeze the rest of it’s root system and kill it.

Then take a big bite out of the root and chew on it for about a week until it gets really soft and tar like in your mouth. This will taste wicked bad but it’s needed to break down the sap into turpentine. Then onces it’s softened spread the paste out over the area covered by pooh. Repeat this process 3-4 times during the winter months. When Spring comes and the ice leaves the banks of the brooks and streams, take a long dunk in the water for about 3 days. You’ll find your pooh will simply float away.

Again, avoid pooh flinging and leave it to the Militia,

Uncle Howl


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